Warning . . . rant/vent ahead . . . but perhaps this goes to show that I’m NOT Kate-the-Saint as it seems most people are thinking I am! :p
I’m struggling a lot right now . . . trying to see God’s purpose in the past 8 months since the (former) birthmother chose us. And I can’t . . .
Perhaps it’s because I’m still grieving . . . and might be for a while . . . (side note . . . can I curl up in a ball and cancel life until I feel better? no? drat! 
)
I’m not angry . . . more just frustrated. Have I forgiven the bmom for the pain she’s caused me? Yes! But I’m struggling with the knowledge that this pain didn’t have to happen.
No, I’m not saying that she should have given us the baby after all. That wasn’t God’s plan. I know that, and I’m okay with that part.
I’m saying I WISH she’d asked God what His plan for this little one was back when she found out she was pregnant. Had she asked and let herself be open to His answer, I would never have been involved with the situation (except as her friend).
Perhaps then these empty arms would not ache so much.
I was doing GOOD . . . I was content with our family of 3 . . . excited with the possibilities that having an early empty nest would bring James and myself . . .
Did I have days when I wished that things had been different for us . . . that our dreamed-of family of 6+ kids would have been able to happen? Sure! But they were getting fewer and further between. I had grieved my infertility, had gotten through it . . .
But with that one phone call in September, my world shifted . . . and I began to think like a young mom again. I was excited (though a bit nervous!) to have another child. To have a blessing fulfilled, because I thought I was meant to be the mother to more than one child.
So now, when those dreams that were made when my heart was whole are shattered in pieces on the floor . . . I find myself grieving again . . . not just the loss of this precious little one . . . but the whole infertility situation again. *sighs*
I know I’m probably just “kicking against the pricks”, to use a Scriptural phrase, but honestly . . . I can’t see the purpose in this pain . . . does someone know what it is and can show me?
I don’t want to hurt like this anymore.
by Jenn, on May 21 2009 @ 8:13 am
I am sorry that you are hurting so badly. I know that healing takes time, and I wasn’t able to see the purpose of my painful experience for a couple of years, but I was eventually given perspective and an understanding of why. Heavenly Father loves you, and everything we go through is for our good, but sometimes it takes awhile to figure out how. My prayers are with you, my friend.
by Beth, on May 21 2009 @ 8:18 am
Kate, I’m so sorry. I think all you said was valid. Why *did* it have to happen this way, just as you were coming to terms with everything? Perhaps the birthmom wasn’t ready nine months ago — wasn’t ready to ask, probably, or maybe just wasn’t ready to accept motherhood — perhaps this was part of God’s plan, too, because He knew you were strong enough to bear this burden so that others would come unto Him through your example. I have no doubt (and I can tell that *you* do not doubt it, either) that you *will* endure this, that you *will* learn and grow from it, that you *will* use this trial to grow closer to our Father in Heaven. And I know He knows it.
I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m trying to give you all the answers; I don’t have them all. But I do think the pain you’re feeling is normal and natural, and you shouldn’t feel guilty that it takes time to work through it all.
And I still think you are a saint, because you’ve shown you’re a normal human being with a sincere heart — and yet you haven’t given up. You’ve allowed the Atonement to wash away the anger. Don’t curl up into a ball and cancel life (LOL) (I’d miss you!), but know that your friends love you and we know it will take some time to work through this. (This friend does, anyway.)
*hugs*
by April, on May 21 2009 @ 8:23 am
Oh Kate HUGS I am thinking of you.
I am so sorry for you and your family and the pain you have had to go through. God will carry you through this. He loves you! We love you!
Thinking of you!
April
by Linda, on May 21 2009 @ 9:30 am
Kate you are just human Hun if you didn’t grieve show disappointment,upset you would be a machine.This doesn’t make you a bad person or one I would think less of.I am praying for you and praying for peace for your hurt.
Hugs,Linda
by Kimberly, on May 21 2009 @ 3:36 pm
When we lost our “hope of a child” last summer I couldn’t see through the pain at first. Well, at the very first I didn’t let myself feel the pain because hey, I know women who’ve had it much harder than one simple miscarriage.
When I finally let myself grieve the pain was overwhelming because it didn’t make sense. I couldn’t see any purpose behind that experience except to hurt Neil and mine’s hearts.
Now though, wow . . . everything changed. And it wasn’t a grand epiphany of a moment. It was gradual. I discovered that something in me had deepened. I had greater empathy. I was able to let go of (a small part of) my selfishness and see those around me – ask myself, what are they suffering? What secret hurts might be afflicting them?
It’s helped me to be kinder, more thoughtful and considerate, and slower to judge. Because I had been deeply hurt, I find myself more discerning with my brothers and sisters, better able to see where others are hurting. And while I can’t fix their pain, I can care. And I think you know how much being cared about can help during a tough time.
It may seem trite to say that an experience such as this is for your growth, and yet, it doesn’t feel trite. It feels amazing to grow in such ways.
by cath, on May 21 2009 @ 6:09 pm
hmmm. if that is you being unsaintly, then i am a real heathen! i asked the same questions … i hurt for you – and hope for your healing to truly make you stronger. *hugs*
by nancy face, on May 22 2009 @ 7:02 am
I have no words of wisdom. But I am truly and deeply sorry for the pain you are experiencing. (((((HUGS)))))
by Tonya, on May 22 2009 @ 11:46 am
I wish I had some great words of wisdom that would take the hurt away. I can only say that I am sorry for your pain. I know that personally I have a lot of questions that I want to ask when I meet our Heavenly Father again. This is one of them.
by Ken, on May 25 2009 @ 3:28 pm
One of the true insights we can gain from any problem we experience is “this didn’t have to happen.” The pain, the hurt, the problem itself absolutely didn’t have to happen. As part of our mortal life, we are allowed to have pain, hurt, problems. In fact, we shouted for joy at the prospect of our experience here.
I agree with your insight (it didn’t have to happen) and hope that at some point (in this cyclical process that is grief) you can feel the love that God has for you. And I hope and pray that at that point you will weep for joy at the experience that you have just gone through.
Dad
by Rose, on May 31 2009 @ 6:11 pm
Kate, it seems you have many friends who care about you and want to see you through all this. Your dad’s comment reminded me of something that was said today in Gospel Doctrine. A couple of quotes from 2 Nephi talk about the importance of opposition. Read 2 Nephi 2:11 and 2:25 they definitely go together. Father in Heaven knows we need to go through these hard times to understand true joy, but in the end he wants us to find the joy. I pray that you will be able to move past all this and experience the joy. I wish I could be there for you more. Sorry I seem to be the last to comment. I am here for you. If there is anything I can do please let me know.
Love Ya!