Key~Notes

Let me start out by saying that I’m incredibly blessed.  I have a roof over my head, sufficient food in my cupboards, a wonderful family (both immediate AND extended), and the sweetest gift of all . . . a surety of the saving power of Christ.

However, I’m thinking today might be a wee bit of a challenge.  One year ago today, an on-again/off-again friend of mine called me to say she was pregnant and would James and I please adopt her baby.

I’ve forgiven her completely for the heartache she caused our family (honestly the only issues I’m having with her right now pre-date 22 September 2008 and are based in concern for her and for her children).  The way the whole scenario played out in May was providential, in that I was the only one of our family to ever hold, or even meet “Zachary” when we thought he would be ours.  I am eternally grateful that James and Christopher were spared the lion’s share of the heartache of that situation.

However, I’m still trying desperately to get back to the place I was a year ago.  The place where a family of 3 was okay . . . where I was excitedly looking forward to the opportunities James and I would have as comparatively early empty-nesters.  The place where 32 babies born in our ward in one year was no big deal.  The place of acceptance I’d found as an infertile woman in a church culture that places great emphasis on having children . . . not to mention my own desires for a big family.

I’m not there yet . . . part of me wonders if I’ll EVER be there again.  It’s just so hard when every time I hear the cry of an infant, I long to reach out, to hold, to comfort . . . and I can’t.  I long for the babies that will not be mine in this earth life . . . but that longing is tempered by the knowledge that those babies will be mine when forever comes.  Harder though is the longing for the baby I held in my arms for a few hours . . . the baby I found out about a year ago . . . that I started LOVING as mine a year ago.  The baby/little boy/son I’ll never get to have.

So yes, today is probably going to be hard.  Please be patient with me.

So this is my first post on my newly private blog . . . and I think it’s appropos that it consists of things I’d tell people if I had the guts to do so . . . unfortunately (fortunately!?!?!) I don’t . . . so . . .

to the “Birthmother” ~ yes, you’ve had a rough life . . . I GET that . . . but you’re almost 34 years old now . . . and it’s time to let past hurts go and be a great mom to your kids . . . which includes honouring the covenants you’ve made and helping your eldest son honour those he’s made recently . . . it’s giving me whiplash to see how many times you’ve been in and out of activity in the Church in the 6 plus years I’ve known you . . . make the choice NOW to live what I KNOW you believe . . . and I’ll support you every step of the way as you do so . . .

to those who think I should be “over” the adoption loss ~ yeah . . . I’m not . . . not sure I’ll ever be completely free of the grief and longing surrounding what happened . . . it’s not wrong of me to grieve this very real loss . . . grieving doesn’t mean I’m not grateful for Christopher nor does it mean I’m depressed (though quite honestly, it wouldn’t be shocking if I was . . . I just know I’m not) . . . and it doesn’t mean that I’m not able to serve people around me . . . because I try my best to do that very thing . . . it just means that I’m SAD sometimes about this . . . and I’ve accepted that there will not likely be a day where I DON’T get a wistful twinge of “what-if” . . . that’s just going to be my life for the forseeable future

to the sisters of my ward (church congregation) ~ there is NOT something in the water in our ward . . . you do NOT have to be pregnant to move into this ward . . . and yes, I have a 9 year old child and no others . . . NOT BY CHOICE!  Until you’ve walked in my shoes, you’ve no clue how I feel in a ward with so many babies . . . to tell you the truth . . . it hurts . . . and it hurts more when I find myself sitting alone in Relief Society more often than not . . .

to those who truly understand that “compassionate service” means more than just a meal or 2 after giving birth or having a death in the family ~ THANK YOU!  I am so blessed to have a few friends who understand that . . . while I wish the number were greater, there are those select few who have always been there for me and who I know will ALWAYS be there for me . . . and I appreciate them more than they know . . .

to my husband and son ~ if I have to have a significantly smaller family than what I had hoped for . . . I’m so grateful that my family is YOU!  truly I’m blessed as a wife and mother . . .

to endometriosis ~ YOU SUCK!

that is all . . .

PS ~ writing this post was INCREDIBLY cathartic . . . thanks for the idea, Cath!

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God Bless you always!

~K~