Let me start out by saying that I’m incredibly blessed. I have a roof over my head, sufficient food in my cupboards, a wonderful family (both immediate AND extended), and the sweetest gift of all . . . a surety of the saving power of Christ.
However, I’m thinking today might be a wee bit of a challenge. One year ago today, an on-again/off-again friend of mine called me to say she was pregnant and would James and I please adopt her baby.
I’ve forgiven her completely for the heartache she caused our family (honestly the only issues I’m having with her right now pre-date 22 September 2008 and are based in concern for her and for her children). The way the whole scenario played out in May was providential, in that I was the only one of our family to ever hold, or even meet “Zachary” when we thought he would be ours. I am eternally grateful that James and Christopher were spared the lion’s share of the heartache of that situation.
However, I’m still trying desperately to get back to the place I was a year ago. The place where a family of 3 was okay . . . where I was excitedly looking forward to the opportunities James and I would have as comparatively early empty-nesters. The place where 32 babies born in our ward in one year was no big deal. The place of acceptance I’d found as an infertile woman in a church culture that places great emphasis on having children . . . not to mention my own desires for a big family.
I’m not there yet . . . part of me wonders if I’ll EVER be there again. It’s just so hard when every time I hear the cry of an infant, I long to reach out, to hold, to comfort . . . and I can’t. I long for the babies that will not be mine in this earth life . . . but that longing is tempered by the knowledge that those babies will be mine when forever comes. Harder though is the longing for the baby I held in my arms for a few hours . . . the baby I found out about a year ago . . . that I started LOVING as mine a year ago. The baby/little boy/son I’ll never get to have.
So yes, today is probably going to be hard. Please be patient with me.
by Beth, on September 22 2009 @ 6:18 pm
Big hugs to you, Kate.
by Jenn, on September 25 2009 @ 10:21 am
I am into my fifth year since my divorce, and despite the healing that the Lord has provided me, I still have moments when I am sad about it. I have come to the conclusion that I will have those moments once and awhile. And it’s ok. There is no set time frame for healing, and it is a process, not an event or destination. Hugs to you.
by Michelle, on October 3 2009 @ 8:57 pm
HUGS Kate. I wish I knew more to say that would help you…
by Kimberly, on October 6 2009 @ 10:44 am
I’m so glad you’re allowing yourself to grieve over this. Though you didn’t give birth to him, you cherished a mother’s love for him in your heart. That is not something that can be wished away so that it never was. In time though, I’d like to think that the place he held in your heart will be all the better, warmer, and stronger for that love having been there. Even if it hurts and sorrows you now. ~hugs~
by cath, on October 6 2009 @ 5:23 pm
give yourself as much time as you need.
then, give yourself as much time as you want.
then, give yourself the gift of forgiveness – both toward the birth-mother and god. (if i seem sacreligious saying we can “forgive” god, let me know and i will try to explain further) …
you are doing great!!!
by Unstuck | Key~Notes, on October 9 2009 @ 8:45 am
[...] you know, 22 September marked one year since the initial contact by the birth mother. Later on that day, I [...]